Falling apart.
Ever had that feeling that NOTHING is going right for you? Nothing happens the way it should? Nothing ever feels the same way it used to? That’s where I’m at. Boyfriends off at college. It’s not that hard, him being away. But, when he comes home, and has to leave on Sunday night to go back, that’s the fucking worst. I’m in a slump for 3 days. I love that kid more than anything in this world. That’s for sure. He’s the one. I miss him like crazy when he goes away. But, I know in the end it will all be worth it. In less than a year, I’ll be at college with him, enjoying our lives together. :)
117 days.
Who even likes Mondays?!
I know I don’t.
School, yeah, it has its perks. But, the drama, the people, and the talking, gets pretty annoying. Pretty fast. When you’ve got an ex-best friend you’d be ready to beat the shit out of at any second, and a best friend you can’t trust, wouldn’t you be ready to pull your hair out too?! It just really bothers me that I have like, no one and you really do need friends in High School. That’s what you hear on the movies however. You always see the happy pretty popular girls, with all the friends. They don’t show you reality. And that’s another thing that bothers me. Do we all base our high school experience on what we see on Sixteen Candles or High School Musical? That’s not reality people, in no way shape or form! You don’t always get the guy. You aren’t always popular. No one is just stunningly gorgeous EVERYDAY. It’s superficial bullshit.
I know, I’m pretty cynical. But, you only live once, right? If I have something to say, I write it down. I hardly ever get in anyones face. I’m just not a confrontational person. So, I either hole up all of my emotions, or I let them out on paper(or by blog). I need to get it out somehow, or I will just blow up.
Sad.
So, I know, it’s typical that a teenage girl would miss her boyfriend, right?
Well, this is different.
His last day of high school is in 18 school days. Depressing. He’s like, my only friend, because, all the friends I used to have alienated me. So, I’m going to have no one when he leaves. And, he’s going off to college, so it’s even more upsetting, that I have less than 4 months of getting to see him and hear his voice everyday. As my junior year started, I was dreading this time of year. I knew it would be hard for me. So, I’ve been sad, but, my grades have been spectacular, because that’s what I do. I shut down, and focus on one thing, and it just happens to be my schoolwork this time.
He is my everything. I love him as much as a person can love another. It’s going to be hard for me when he leaves, that’s for sure. But, I will get through it. I have to keep telling myself that. As it comes closer to the date that he’s leaving, all I can do is cry anymore. It was definitely hard last night, because I just couldn’t stop thinking of how different it’s going to be. My senior year, might just be the worst year of high school I ever endure.
Stuff
Lots have been happening that I’ve been dying to get off my chest.
It started around January 1, 2010, but it goes back WAY before then.
I used to have a friend, Shannon*, and we never got along. We always fought, over the stupidest stuff. I remember one time, she got pissed at me, because I wouldn’t hand over the remote the exact second she wanted it. :/. Anyways, on New Years Day, a day supposed to be filled with celebration, she decided to get pissed at me over Myspace. Myspace, seriously?! Come on. Well, I’d had enough, so I decided that I better just end the friendship right there. It was ugly. But, I knew that I made the right decisions. I mean, yes, we did have some really good times, but, there were SO many more bad times than there were good. It just wasn’t a good friendship. But, her mother, went nutzo. She was more of a friend than a mother, so she didn’t take it well that I didn’t want to be friends with her daughter. But, I just couldn’t stay in that friendship anymore. It was very unhealthy.
She and I started getting into a lot more fights when I started dating my boyfriend. She didn’t like that he got more attention than she did. And on only one part can I understand that. I did used to hang out with her everyday, and then I just stopped coming over there all the time. But, I’m also growing up, and don’t want to be cooped up in a house all day long either. But, she decided that she didn’t like my boyfriend, and then decided to turn it around on me, accusing him of hating her, and saying that she couldn’t hang out with me if I was going to be with him. (Really?). So, for the rest of the duration of my friendship with her, I was just a very emotional, bitchy person. I’m surprised I didn’t lose my boyfriend over it, because I was just not myself.
But, now things are a lot better since I’m not friends with her. I thought that would get rid of the drama, but it didn’t stop there. Not even close. Soon after I lost her, I lost my best friend, just because I didn’t like her boyfriend, and she decided that she should stop being my friend. Not once did I ever get in her boyfriends face and express my hate for him, no. She just couldn’t stand that I didn’t love him as much as she did. That’s what really makes me mad. She calls me her best friend, and then just leaves me in the cold. The weird thing is, we never fought before that. It was just so out of the blue. And as soon as she stopped being my friend, I was upset and everything, and my grandpa died. What is happening in my life? Is it going to get better? I’ve heard the saying before, and I’m really hoping that the bad stuff is done happening so that the good stuff starts. I’m done with all the sadness, anger, and hopelessness. Sorry this blog is so long, I just needed to get this out.
